Containment of my Crazy Mind

Right Here

2008-12-14T15:32:00.002-05:00

Well there are some updates in my life. I have lost a total of 43 lbs since October 6th. That's very good. Last week I weighed myself on Monday and Wednesday and I hadn't lost any weight at that time. I was worried that I had reached a plateau. Apparently if you have a huge loss when you initially begin a weight loss program, it is actually water weight. So now I have to lose fat weight which it seems that is tougher to lose. I'm trying not to get discouraged. Especially now that I can buy clothes from Old Navy.com as opposed to the Avenue store. Their clothes as of late look like rainbow colored paint has thrown up all over it. I mean seriously, who wears Velour aside from little Children during Christmas time? I'm not going to give up. I'm going to keep on trucking. But I can't wait for the day that I can buy clothes off the rack, or the day when I can slip into a pair of jeans. I'm realizing that some of the plus size fashions are absolutely awful. The ones that I want to wear are items that I cannot afford and are of course European fashions. But this weight loss thing is a learning process. I've come this far, I can't get discouraged.

On other news, I received an A in Government and a C in Math. I'm waiting for the school to recalculate my GPA and I'm hoping that it is at least a 2.0. I can calculate it myself but the task is to tedious, plus I need to clean up. My room, is an ABSOLUTE MESS. It would honestly be easier for me to move or burn down my room than clean it up. I've procrastinated long enough today, so I better get to cleaning.

Have a good one.

One word....... WOW

2008-12-07T12:18:00.003-05:00

Wow it has been a long time hasn't it? I have been extremely busy as of late, so let me update you with what has been going on. I am now in my 3rd month of Boot Camp. My brother is an instructor for the organization so we attend class together. So far, I've lost a total 42.5 lbs. That was as of last week. One of the instructors at Boot Camp actually has a goal to get me down to 50 lbs. by Christmas. I will say that Boot Camp is grueling, it's a lot of hard work. When you are as big as I am it's very hard. I thought that I couldn't continue with it but after the first month I was able to shave 5 minutes off of my mile time from my PT Test. They administer a PT test at the start and beginning of the program. I was only really able to walk a mile but now I'm able to walk and run a mile. My cardio has picked up, I have more energy. When I put my hands on my hips now I notice that my hips aren't as large. Most importantly I think I can finally go off of my high blood pressure medicine. I always thought for a really big person to lose weight that you should start off slow and easy. The only thing about that is that you get used to that kind of coddling. We as human beings normally take it easy on ourselves. With Boot Camp I'm able to physically do things that I NEVER thought I could do. That has spread into a lot of other areas in my life. I've recently gotten a promotion at work. I only make a few cents more an hour. It's nothing to write home about but I'm not unhappy about that either. I still want to pursue another profession, but for right now I will continue to work in the current position that I'm in already. School is well...okay. Government I have an A average, however we just took our final exam yesterday and I might maintain an A or A- or possibly a B+. So that is not a bad thing. I am just hoping by some stroke of luck that I pass my Math class. I DID try. I did enlist people's help when I saw that I was getting into trouble. I DID do something....but I could have done more. For me that's progress. So I just hope that what I did is enough to keep me in school for one more semester. I said a prayer, and I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed. I truly feel that Boot Camp has changed my life. I've let go of negative people in my life. I found that I'm not as socially awkward as I think I am. I'm coming out of my shell. I find that I'm becoming kind of a clothes whore too! :-) It looks like I can fit into clothes from Old Navy. They have a plus-size line and I'm really looking forward to buying clothing from them. Now if only GAP and Banana Republic would get with the program! The only draw back is that the clothes are exclusively online. So you have to pray for the best, order the clothes and try them on, and hopefully you are small enough to fit into them.

So to sum it up. I'm very excited of the improvements in my life. There are still quite a few more that need to be made as well. I'm going to start a new blog chronicles my weight loss. I just have to think of a good nick name though.

I'm off. I'm going to be attending a Yoga class later today and I need to prep for that. I need to make sure my feet look pretty and I remember long ago that you are actually supposed to be clean before you do Yoga.

Toodles!

Still tired....

2008-10-09T21:55:00.003-04:00

Well I am very close to completing one week of bootcamp. I am UTTERLY exhausted. It's not a workout, it's utter torture. I just have one more day to go and then I can rest. Hopefully they take it a little easy on us tomorrow. I need to go, I have to get up by 4:50am in the morning. Madness I tell you. Just madness!

I'm exhausted

2008-09-26T10:32:00.001-04:00

I am utterly exhausted. Today I got up at 4:53 in the morning and I went to a boot camp session with my brother on bring a friend day. It was about an hour of torture. It worked out all of the muscles in my body. I mean everything except my toes and my head are sore. It was painful just walking up the steps in the house. I was sweating so much that I couldn't even keep my eyes open to see what I was doing. We did lunges, crab walks, jumping jacks, push-ups, sit-ups, heel kicks, and something called the superman. There were other exercises but I can't remember the names. My regimen had to be modified since I'm seriously out of shape. There was a plus side of the program, I got to hold onto one of the instructors for balance and he's cute. I think he's a smoker though. (Yuck.) My brother made me a sensible breakfast. A bowl of oatmeal with a tablespoon of brown sugar, and turkey sausage links. They did taste like sausage, but not even the greedy cat would eat it when I threw some down on the floor. Right now what is killing me is that I would absolutely love, love, love to eat some pasta. A generous portion with cheese on it. I'm kind of screwed. The next session of boot camp begins on October 6th. I need to find out where my head is at before I register for it. I unfortunately did not get a spot on Atlanta's Biggest Loser. I was really hoping and praying to be a participant for that. Now I know what you're thinking, she wants to get physically fit and win the grand prize. Her journey to physical fitness is motivated by greed. Well you'd be wrong. The grand prize is a one year gym membership. It's not money like the regular Biggest Loser contest. So essentially I would remain true to the ideology of becoming physically fit. Right now I'm going to hit the showers. I still have grass in my hair from this morning and I stink. I also need to study quite a bit and I don't want for my day of vacation to be a wasted one.

What is wrong with me?

2008-08-17T23:24:00.001-04:00

Let me give you some backstory. I was accepted back into school. I was going to receive Financial Aid to pay for schooling. Keyword is was. Since I was dismissed from school, my school sent back the money to the financial institution that lent me the money. Then the Financial Aid office said that I had to fill out the FAFSA paperwork again. Now since it's close to the beginning of the school year. It will take 6 to 12 weeks for my school to process my paperwork. The courses that I registered for will drop on August 25th. So in other words I'm screwed. Or so I thought...
I decided to ask my Mom for the money. To be honest, my schooling costs much, much less than my Brother's so I thought that it would not be that big of a deal. Well... No not really. After a few dramatic fights, a lie or two, and some explanation on my brother's behalf, I finally received a check yesterday. Cut to this morning. I was just chilling, watching tv. I stopped whatever I was watching and turned to whatever my Mom wanted to watch. It has positively killed me because today is the day that I've FINALLY been able to watch an Olympic event because the tv has been monopolized with Law & Order episodes that she's seen 7 or 8 times already. So I sat and watched tv with her, then my mom proceeded to question me. Now I love my mother very much, but sometimes she just likes to mind fuck you, play head games. Then pretend or she possibly doesn't know that certain things hurt my feelings or my set me off. Set me off is a bit of an understatement. My dear Mom told me that I just needed to snap out of my depression, that perhaps shock treatments would help, and that I was a ghetto hood rat because I listened to music and I watched movies. I picked up all of my stuff out of the living room and I handed that tuition check back. Perhaps a stupid decision since she's old and can't change. I should have let whatever she said roll off my back. I should have swallowed my pride and just let it go. The thing is that I couldn't. I was feeling good about myself and I felt that things were looking up for me. Then that was taken away with a chat with my Mom. Sometime's she's just so caustic. I just don't want to be beholden to my Mom. She holds things over you and I am eternally grateful and indebted to her for what she's done for me. Do I need to be reminded constantly? No. Just because I don't give you my entire paycheck doesn't mean that I don't love you with all my heart. I know that it's extremely possible that I've jeopardized my future. But I've swallowed my pride already. If I can't get assistance from my Mom and she can't accept me then I'll have to make my way in life on my own terms. Maybe I'm just not meant for school. Who the fuck knows?

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...

2008-08-13T06:53:00.001-04:00

Well... I have some news. It looks like I'm back in school. My appeal was approved. Yipee! I'm a little scared. I don't want to fuck up again. But I plan on making school my first priority, and I would like to take 3 courses this semester. I'm going to make an appointment with the school counselor for Thursday. I actually might be jumping the gun. Because now I need to come up with money for school. ARGGHHH! Wish me luck!

Tired is body my

2008-07-30T23:50:00.000-04:00

I'm EXHAUSTED. I hit the gym today. I was very bad! I had chicken nuggets and juice today. Well that isn't bad when you compare it to what I normally eat. My knee was still bothering me. What was worse was that my other knee started to bother me as well. But I'm a trooper! With the exception of tomorrow. I need to take a break and study.

This weekend I plan on putting my desk together and setting up my computer. I'm going to clean my room. My mission is to clean my entire room. To be honest I need that cleaning crew from the episode of Oprah with the hoarders. I want to be organized and neat and clean. IF I get back into school. I want things in my life to be streamlined. Actually I want things to be streamlined if I don't get back into school. Next week I will work on the process for applying for a Visa for France, Spain, and Italy. (Just in case!)

Ooops!

2008-07-29T20:27:00.001-04:00

Well I survived another day at the gym. I say "Ooops," because I kind of fouled up my progress. Actually I think that I can rectify it. But I should confess... I had a quarter pounder with cheese and a small sprite. I didn't like stuff myself at a buffet or anything. It was funny, I told the drive thru person "Quarter Pounder with cheese, plain.". Now this means Quarter Pounder with cheese and none of that extra shit. Well I got a quarter pounder without cheese with all that extra shit. That should have been my first sign. But I went back to rectify my order. Boy! That burger and sprite was delicious! I also was extremely intelligent and I worked out RIGHT after consuming my food. I prayed to God that I wouldn't throw up while I was bouncing up and down on the machines. God heard my prayer. So...I will not be having my ubiquitous Caesar salad with chicken tonight. Instead I will have tasty water and repent for having that scrumptious meal from Mickey D's. I need to find more menu options. I had Quaker's Weight Control Cinnamon Flavored Oatmeal for breakfast. Then for my snack I had Apple Cinnamon Granola. Then for Lunch I had Apple Cinnamon Quaker's fresh Harvest crap. Basically it has oats, barley, wheat, cinnamon, and small pieces of apple in it. Can you see the pattern? I had Oatmeal like 5000 fucking times today! That's mostly because I'm broke and I've stock piled Oats like I was in the Great Depression. No my rebate still has not arrived so I'm fucked. In fact I called the cell phone company and the outgoing message basically states don't even think of requesting to talk to a human unless it's been 6 weeks since you've submitted the paperwork. It's been 4 weeks since I've submitted mine. So now I am hoping that the company that I recycled my phone ponies up on the check. I'm a little worried because the battery needs to be charged for them to make a test call. Even when the phone is off the battery still drains! I requested that they test it as soon as possible and I told them the reason why. I received some non-sensical, poor grammar response. It wasn't even a complete sentence. UGH I need a life makeover I swear. Or a sugar daddy.

TTFN

Progress

2008-07-28T21:13:00.001-04:00

Well... I survived my second day at the gym. It wasn't to bad. I am developing a blister on my pinky toe so I'm going to wrap a band aid around it and hit the gym tomorrow.

Therapy went well today. I nearly broke into tears during the session. Of course I did the healthy thing of stifling my tears. But I think we're making progress. Looks like I'll have to go on anti-depressant medication which is fine by me. Hopefully whatever I'm prescribed will make me more alert and energetic too.

Anyway, I think I'm ready to move on from my job. If I can't find a job in broadcasting or with an entertainment firm then any mundane data entry job where I don't have to talk to people will do. I know. I have high aspirations. I'm outtie. I need to look over this crap for work.

Ugh!

Rock Middle?

2008-07-27T16:50:00.001-04:00

There's a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Something happened to me early last week. I won't say what, but maybe at a later time. I'm extremely sensitive so if something happens to me it's ten times as worse when it happens to someone else. It was enough where I've lost my appetite for the past few days. I felt humiliated and rejected, even though it's debatable as to if I should feel that way. So... I've committed myself to losing weight. Now this might be hard since I have about 40 to last me until next Friday. I have 20 to pay for the shrink this week and next. Then I'll have to pay for gas which will be about 50 dollars give or take a few dollars. THEN I have to buy groceries. I'm going to have to mooch off of my brother for a little bit. I might be saved. My rebate of $100 for my phone, was estimated to be shipped on the 22nd of this month. I just hope that they shipped it early rather than late. I plan on cooking damn near everything so that should cut down on expenses. I also plan on going to the gym 6 times this week as well. I went yesterday, surprisingly I didn't keel over. I just want to lose as much weight as quickly as possible.

Now my other goal is to socialize and make friends. I will start at work first. I've joined that website meetup.com. I've joined a few groups on there. I plan on actually participating in some of the get togethers that are coming up. I want to live. I've held back for so long! I want to be able to invite people over or go clothes shopping with a girlfriend or have a group of friends get together at a restaurant. I want to be a social butterfly.

So here's to me!

One note. I know that someone (perhaps just one person) reads this blog. Please feel free to leave a comment.

Better days?

2008-07-26T08:34:00.001-04:00

In my previous post I revealed that I was depressed. Today is one of my down days. I just paid rent and I have about 100 to last me for two weeks. I might be able to fit my groceries on a credit card. It's weird, I was feeling so confident today. I felt that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I felt that therapy would get me over this hump. Then I remembered I have to pay for therapy and it's going to be hard to do that since I'm broke!

Today I submitted my appeal to be re-admitted back to the University. I think it was well written and I don't think that they will automatically check the reject box. I THINK that I'll get back in but I'm not that confident to start picking out my courses just yet. If I don't get in I'll continue with therapy for as long as I possibly can. I'll also apply for a new job elsewhere. I hope to find one in advertising or maybe working for a company that deals in entertainment. Apparently one get's a lot of freebies if you work in that realm.

I quit depression!

2008-07-24T18:00:00.004-04:00

You know I was thinking. I should have put in my blog that I'm depressed. I've suffered from it for over 20 some odd years. I think that I've been so accustomed to it that I guess I didn't think that I needed help. Paying 20 dollars to a shrink every week isn't helping any especially since I'm broke. Thank god for Flexible Savings Accounts. Anyway I thought I would post something really quickly. I need to study for that test for payroll. To be honest I should have taken it 6 months ago! The proctor has been very busy since there have been a lot of changes going on at work. Well she had the audacity to tell me in June that she was ready to take the test. I was so excited... NOT. I hadn't studied. I was busy with school and also battling this depression. Well I freaked out and asked for an extension. It was a big to do since I had to get my manager's approval for it. She said that was fine but that I would have to take it in July, no more exceptions. The test is August 1st and I can't concentrate. I'm sure that blogging instead of studying is helping as well. What I'm getting at is that I don't want to be depressed. I want to be a happy individual that functions normally. I don't want to have any hang ups or use any mechanisms to mask who I really am. I want to be my authentic self. I think that I'm possibly in the fight of and for my life. I just wish that sometimes when I pray that God would just take the depression away but I think that sometimes that's just to easy. So even though I've been through sooooo much pain. I just hope that as I continue to see my shrink and acting upon all the things that we've discussed that I can become a better individual. Sooner rather than later!!!

I've started the appeals process to be reinstated into school. My extenuating circumstance is that I'm depressed. I've asked my shrink to write a letter as well. There were 2 grammatical errors in it. I'm a little frustrated because he used a damn type writer. Hello... Word processing anyone? When I really want something to happen I pray. Sometimes I've prayed for selfish, stupid things. But if there's one prayer that I hope that God answers. I hope it's the one about letting me back into school. A degree will drastically help me earn more income and help me pay off my debts. 18,000 a year just isn't going to cut it I'm afraid. I'll be mortified if I have to tell my High School classmates the mundane job that I do. I'm sooo not down for being Romy or Michelle at the High School reunion.

Study time!

How I Are

2008-07-08T18:14:00.001-04:00

My mission for July was to go out on a date. Well...mission accmoplished. I've learned and I grew. I came out physically unscathed but there's a small emotional scar that will heal soon. Will I go out with someone else? Nyet! I've allowed myself to trust my newfound friend. I thought that we were more different than alike, and I know that he's a true friend. So what does this all mean? I'm growing up. I'm trusting people. I'm taking baby steps towards becoming the person that I want to be. I need to take a long galloping leap! Anyway I'm happy with the accomplishments that I've made. I can't be upset about that. So next is to use those tools and build off of that momentum.

I'm going to do a little bit each day so that I won't get to bogged down with everything that I want to accomplish.

Wish me luck!

I'm okay, we're okay.

2008-07-06T18:59:00.003-04:00

Well I am doing much better today. I was able to head into the city to karaoke to ABBA hits for a pass to the Mamma Mia movie screening. I haven't really cried as much as I did the day of the incident and the day after. I always think that things happen for a reason. I'm not sure why this happened. It's a lesson I could have done without. But I prayed that God would make me a stronger woman so that I'm better equipped to deal with things. I also wish that my BS detector were more finally tuned. I think that my counseling session will be the highlight of my therapists day. I like to watch 48 Hours Mysteries and Dateline. I was catching up on an older episode and this one focused on two women who both disappeared. One in Florida and the other in Georgia. They were both beautiful, and career driven. They were just abducted. I watched the anguish, and sorrow that their family was going through and that pales in comparison to what I'm feeling at the moment. So I met this guy off the internet and I was still alive. Trust issues with men flared up, my self-esteem was in the crapper, but I was still alive. So I said a prayer for those families on tv. I hope they find out what happened to the two women that they lost. I hope someone pays for the crime.

Revenge

2008-07-06T18:31:00.007-04:00

Okay I posted this ad on craigslist on Friday night. It got flagged Sunday which I'm happy it lasted that long but I've reposted it. So this is to my date who I will nickname motherfucker. Now this revenge is small compared to what I really want to do. My mother is crazy and I've inherited those traits. I try very hard to suppress them. So if I can cause women to think twice about approaching this guy then I will happily make this my cause of choice.

Here is the ad.

Hello ladies. Doesn't he look like a cute guy? Seems nice, since he's playing with some child. Looks like he has honest, caring eyes. Well.. he's not. Beware of him. He's a class A asshole. What did he do you ask? Well I responded to his ad on craigslist. He wanted to converse and have coffee. So I thought I would give it a shot and just respond and see if I receive anything back and I did. We chatted and decided to meet for coffee at Starbucks. He was so sweet in wanting to accommodate me for our meet. He paid me lots of compliments. So after him being the little bastard that he is and trying to invite himself over to my place to watch a movie, we decided to go to the movies instead. We sat all the way in the back while we kissed and cuddled. I know it's my fault because we were making out like a bunch of teenagers and his hands were everywhere. I felt his package and it was rock hard but very small. He was so sly in asking about sex, he said that he would respect my limits. So I was up front with him and I let him know that currently I'm just waiting for Mr. Right. We don't have to be married, but I'm not down for the one night stand. Been there done that. I thought that he was okay. We resumed our cuddling and then he said that he was thirsty and going to go get a soda. Well 5 minutes passed, the guy didn't return. 10 minutes passed, and I thought maybe there was a long line at the concession stand. 15 minutes passed and I knew that I had been ditched. Mr. Stand up guy, the one who said that he was completely honest and sometimes way to honest was a motherfucking coward. He couldn't muster to sit through the end of a great blockbuster movie. He couldn't be honest and just say that he needed to get laid. He couldn't do what 99.8% of the people on craigslist do already and just post a sex ad. He couldn't come up with a lame excuse and just say there was no chemistry. Instead he snuck out like a thief in the night because I didn't want to have sex with some random stranger. He has to resort to lies to get a woman into bed. Sounds like a winner. I'm not asking for sympathy. I didn't even email the motherfucker. I just want EVERYONE to know. Don't talk, don't email, don't chat, don't even look at him. He's not a man, he's a boy. I didn't know that people were that evil but apparently the devil lives in Sandy Springs and not down under like we thought.

Pic of the motherfucker.

Don't talk to him. If you see him at the grocery store boo and hiss him.

Shrinking Violet

2008-07-04T12:13:00.003-04:00

Well... yesterday was quite a doozy. I went an hour and a half early into work to finish the bloodwork portion of my entire exam. The nurse was nice, a little space cadetish. She actually did not wear gloves. The day went slowly. But today I got the courage to respond to someone's ad on craigslist. His ad stated that he was looking for coffee and conversation. So I responded, we chatted for awhile. He proposed that we go have coffee and so we did. It was nice. I was with someone who showed up to the date. We talked, he was cute. His sense of humor was a little dry. He was suggesting coming to my place to watch a movie. You just don't invite yourself over to a person's place. So he settled on the theatre. We chose the Incredible Hulk, I had seen it before but it was a good movie so I didn't mind seeing it again. We got there and we chatted before we went inside. He reiterated how much he loved big women. How if he knew me better he would love to hold me. I said it might happen if there are scary parts in the movie. He told me to feel free to grab him. I thought this was in jest because who talks about this stuff on a first date. So we go into the theatre, it reeks of carpet cleaner. He said that he likes to sit in the very back of the theatre. So we sat in the back, while we were sitting he said something to the effect of how I should go against the grain and kiss someone in the theater. So I did. He was a good kisser and he said that my lips were plump and he nibbled on my lips which I love. He wrapped his arms around which was so nice. Men haven't showed me any public display of affection so it was nice and I wanted to relish in it. He was talking again about coming over and asking if my brother was protective of me. I'm sure that he wasn't interested in my familial relationships. Anyway we made out and he was touching me and squeezing me and his hands were traveling to my private parts, but I stopped him before he could go further. I just thought that he was attracted to me and just couldn't help himself. Well he wanted to know about intercourse, and he said that he would respect my wishes. So I told him that I was waiting for Mr. Right, and that I want to be intimate with someone that I care about. So he said okay. We continued to cuddle and then he said he was going to get a drink. Well he went to go get a drink. So I waited and waited. It was taking quite a bit. I thought well maybe there's a long line at the concession stand. Then I thought if he doesn't come back by the scene in the park then I know that I would have been stood up. Well...that scene in the movie came. So now I'm faced with the dilemma as to when I shall leave and save face. Should I stay until the end and cry during the entire movie or should I leave during a great action sequence and cry then. Well I chose the latter. I walked down all those stairs, my eyes rapidly searched the lobby as I passed through it, no date. I walked outside and scanned the parking lot, no date. I did see a red Toyota drive away. I walked to my car trying to hold myself together. I again checked for his car, a red Toyota, in my aisle since we parked close together. It was not there. I shed a few tears before taking a deep breathe and eventually driving out of the parking lot. I thought I was okay. I called my brother and all of the emotions of being humiliated and rejected just came rushing out. I was crying hysterically and I had to slow down and then pull over because I just couldn't contain my emotions. I feel hurt and my pride is bruised. I just couldn't understand how he couldn't stick it out through the rest of the movie. Was it really that hard? An hour and 15 minutes more to go. You could just say that you didn't feel chemistry. But to actually walk out in the middle of a date after you portrayed yourself to be this honest stand up guy and you can't just say that I'm not that into you? I mean you can't sit through a movie with me, you have to sneak out like you're a thief in the night. Even when I think about it I just burst into tears. I had no idea that men could be so callous and insensitive. What does that say about me when I continue to pick these guys. I haven't even gotten out of bed yet because I'm just so distraught. I even cried when the commercial came on for the Incredible Hulk. This sucks huge! It's so hard trusting men in general. I know that I should just get over it but it's hard. Right now I just feel like closing myself off from the world because I don't want anybody to hurt me. I'm tired of it.

I hate men!

Ta.

I'm alive!

2008-07-02T23:20:00.004-04:00

Okay so it has been yet a little while since I've posted. I attended therapy on Monday. It was not that bad, and I think this shrinkie poo will work out. I've made another appointment to see him next Monday. I also had a physical this week as well. Well... I had half of a physical. I called this Immediate Care clinic in the morning and wanted to know if I needed to do anything or bring anything or if they were able to give me a physical that day. They said that they were able to, and since it is a walk in clinic that I needed to be there by 8pm since they close at 9pm. I was there at 5:30pm. They finally put me in an exam room at around 6:45pm. Well a physical includes an eye exam, blood pressure check, an EKG, a lot of touching and feeling of your limbs, listening to your heart and lungs, blood testing, and the insertion of certain objects to check the back of your throat and your ear canal. Well when I called NO ONE told me that you had to fast for the blood testing. That would have been so helpful when I was eating that fabulous birthday cake. The doctor proceeded to give me a physical anyway sans the blood testing. I get to go to work an hour and a half early for that. Yippee. I'm hoping that I'm not diabetic. If I am I'm just going to move to Belgium or France and eat pastries until I go into a diabetic coma. Life is just not worth living if you can't have sweets. So I am trying to improve myself. I really, really, really need to study for that stupid test for work. I will have to take it this month. If I don't pass then I'm screwed out of about $300 bucks for the next 3 months. That just can't happen because I am piss poor already.

I am going to blog more. It's cathartic and therapeutic. I post down all my insane thoughts and remain anonymous. No one averts their eyes when they see the crazy in mine. People don't go the long way to avoid me. I think that I might even give the link of my blog to my shrink. I will have to come up with a nickname for him though. You know what is absolutely weird. I have actually withheld information from the therapist because I don't want them to think that I'm crazy. I'm sure that they have heard, and seen worse than me. But I don't want to be the topic of conversation at the shrink water cooler.

Shrink 1: Hey how is your day going?
Shrink 2: Not so bad, and you?
Shrink 1: Eh, it could be better. I'm trying to resist the urge to tell my client Dreaming Big that not even Jesus himself could help her, but she's the reason why I could buy my third antique Jaguar.
Shrink 1: I meant to ask you that, how is it running? I'd like to invite you to the Antique Car show at BB&T. Chelsea helped me pay for my 1967 antique Mustang, I might even get that 1960 mint condition Pontiac Bonneville Convertible that I've been eyeing.
Shrink 2: You still see that crazy bitch Chelsea??? She must have helped you rebuild your East wing too.
Shrink 1: Dreaming Big helped me with that, remember I referred her to you?
Shrink 2: Oh. Both of them are crazy bitches.

Let me stop and go to bed now!

Ta!

T-Day

2008-06-29T20:17:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow is a big day for me. T-Day which is also known as therapy day. Tomorrow I embark on the journey of getting my shit together. I hope that this therapist is more successful than the last one. I plan on taking a list of things that I'd like to improve on. That list will probably be as big as the King James Bible. I know I have a lot of big problems right now. One that I can't seem to shake is that I want to go out on a date. It's been YEARS since I've had one. The last couple times where I had one setup I was stood up. I don't get it. I have no problem finding someone for sex. That would be great if I can just find someone where I could just lie there and be done with it. I really don't want to put that much effort into sex with a stranger. I'd rather have sex with someone that I have an emotional connection with. But I digress. I want a date. I so badly want to kiss and make out with someone. I want to get to the point where I can snuggle with the person and steal kisses while our legs are intertwined and we are holding onto each other for dear life.

Let me stop before this comes a trashy novel.

Anyway wish me luck. I'm going to start on my list.

This is pathetic

2008-06-07T18:41:00.003-04:00

I'm depressed. I've spent half of the day curled into a ball on my bed. I have about $73 in my checking account. My credit card bill is $135. The money in my checking account is supposed to buy me gas which it will cost me $50 to fill up the tank, and then food for the rest of the week. How much does that equal to? Being fucked. I really want to get out of this quagmire of debt. I don't like paying interest and all of these fees. I don't like juggling payments and preparing myself to eat cereal for an entire week. I'm at my wit's end here. I'm seriously debating about asking my mom for money but to be honest I'd rather have my arm chopped off. Woe is me. I'm actually afraid to eat. It's almost 7pm EST and I have not had a single morsel of food. I would need to go grocery shopping today but that means that I'll have to waste gas, and then deplete the money that I'm supposed to use for that credit card bill, and gas to get to work.

I'm also not sure about what to do in regards to school. I think that I'll write an appeal since the university rejected my application. What's the harm in me giving them all my money anyway? My problem is that I'm a procrastinator, I like to have fun first before doing work. Seeing that I have a total of 82 credits under my belt really wants to make me get my degree before I turn 30. I don't want to be in this lame ass job that I'm in now. It's nice for some people but I don't care 2 shits about some of the people that I talk to over the phone. It's really a pet peeve when people don't have manners and more than half of the people that I talk to or like that. Plus I take offense when they yell at me. So now you see that's the wrong profession for me to be in. Oh and the fact that I don't even make 20,000 a year.
Right now my dream job is something that's not that physical, where I don't have to talk or work with dummies, and doesn't require paperwork.

I need to change. I need to be a better person. I need to be more driven. I need a sugar daddy. Just kidding. Well, not really.

Time for change.

Hello Cruel World

2008-06-01T18:30:00.005-04:00

I'm not exactly sure of where to start today. I'm crazy. That is just a bona fide fact. It turns out that this is actually my second dismissal. I thought that I was suspended last year but apparently that's not the case. So since this is my second dismissal, that means I have to stay out of school for.... a year. Which is why my reapplication was denied. So my dreams of going to school full-time this Fall semester and actually graduating before I hit 30 are now slightly dashed. It's not the school's fault. It's mine. I just don't have the tools to complete it. But I want to. I really do. I can't stay in a job that I hate making 17,000 gross a year. Who can live on that? I can BARELY live on that.

I started to read this book called, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. It's about a woman who travels to Italy, India, and Indonesia after her divorce to discover herself. I am about half-way through it. I'm hoping for some inspiration. I've sent out a prayer because I have no clue of what to do with my life now. I need inspiration, I need for the clouds to part, a bright light to shine down and a booming voice to tell me exactly what to do because I have no clue right now. I'm in a limbo and I hate that.

Also I'm in financial limbo as well. Last Thursday, and Friday I called in sick because, well I was sick. I was paid on Friday and I had not even had a chance to touch my paycheck until Saturday. Well I paid for the car to be fixed, and my Father actually gave me money for that. I went to the ATM to withdraw money for rent. I looked at my balance and I only have about $50 to last me two weeks. $50 is about what I need to fill up my gas tank for a week so I'm sort of fucked. So I guess I can go ahead and get a full-time job. I was going to enroll in a debt consolidation program. Full-time job means less time devoted to full-time studies. I feel that I've failed at life. I'm grasping at straws to overcome certain obstacles that I should have been able to overcome YEARS ago. I'm playing catch up. I guess the good thing is that I'm not in jail or anything. You always have to find the sunny side to every situation.

Tomorrow I start eating more healthily. I'm running out of cheese and pasta so that will help tremendously. The idea of calorie, fiber, and protein counting is very daunting and overwhelming. I've lost weight without doing that so I'm going to try to do it the way that I did it that time. I'm going to eat more slowly, and definitely try to cut down on the sweets.

So there are some changes going on. I have to take baby steps. Hopefully everything else will fall into place.

TTFN

Hot Tranny Mess

2008-05-24T17:50:00.002-04:00

Okay I'm back. You'll be glad to know that my life is still in a shambles. I took 3 courses last semester. I passed them all, unfortunately I wasn't able to pull up my GPA and I was dismissed from school. I was diligent and I thought that I should reapply and use this Summer to re-evaluate my life. I reapplied and I received the notice that I wasn't accepted. The notice said that I was ineligible, so I won't know what that means until I call them on Tuesday. Now I don't know what I'm going to do. I also hate my job. I'm finding it very hard to be nice to people over the phone. The job in and of itself is monotonous and repetitive. To be honest I feel like a complete and utter loser, and I feel like I've missed my chance to be great. I'm not sure of what to do at this point. So I'm taking this period to re-evaluate my life. My room, car, and life are an utter mess. This weekend I want to clean my room and any area of the house where I've decided to inhabit. I need to study for my certification for work and also I have to study for something for work so I can get my promotion. So wish me luck. Because it's do or die time for me and I want to show people that I've accomplished something with my life.

TTFN

Long time no blog

2008-03-14T10:38:00.001-04:00

I am blogging from my phone. Someone added me as a favorite so I guess
I need to get back into blogging. I will attempt to blog something
tomorrow. If not definitely Saturday.

Toodles till then.

Just enjoy and celebrate!

Crazy?

2008-02-10T20:40:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't written in so long. I am taking 3 courses, getting around to studying for my payroll certification and extra hours at work. It's been pretty busy for me. Also I'm glad to say it seems that I actually have a life. I've made a new friend. I'm dateless for Valentine's which is sad. I was hoping that wouldn't be the case but I am going to see Romeo and Juliet the ballet. So that will be fine. As for the title of my blog... I think I've gone insane. I'm 26 and I'll be turning 27 in 2 weeks. I've calculated it to going to school for 2 and a half years before I FINALLY reach my degree. Right now all I can think about is going overseas and living in London or Italy. I really don't know what's wrong with me. If I were to major in film then I need to switch Universities, I don't speak a foreign language, and I have yet to take any courses that even remotely pertain to my major. I don't know what to do really. I'm at my wit's end. I guess that I'll have to take everything one day at a time though. This uncertainty is killing me though.

Janet's new video "Feedback"

2008-01-13T00:28:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile

2008-01-12T18:40:00.000-05:00

Well not to long. Just about a week. I've been busy with school. My financial aid is supposed to come through on Monday. I hope it does because I don't want a repeat of next semester occurring. Me dropping all of my classes because I couldn't scrape up a lousy thousand dollars. Monday is also D-Day. That is when I go on my diet. It's going to be soooo hard because I do love eating food. But it's time for a change. Anyway there's not a whole lot to report. I'm supposed to be getting my money from my brother's partner soon. I'm excited about that. Also Janet's new cd will be released next month. My main obsession has been about her. I'm debating as to whether or not I will take off from work and go to NYC to go and see her. Her last 2 cd's were flops. I don't think it had anything to do with the music because I did love the music. i think it had to do with promotion and the political climate after the Superbowl incident. I went last year to see her on the Today show and that was sort of anti-climatic. I won a contest where I was supposed to be a VIP and be up close to see her. Well.. that was not the case at all. I was in the middle of the audience but actually closer to the back. I couldn't see a damn thing at all! The album signing was held on a different day than the performance so I had to go with the performance. That was like $500 down the drain to listen to 1 song of live music in New York City. I will think long and hard as to if I'm going to do that again. Also I am hoping for a tax refund so if I do go my tax refund will probably fund the trip. Must go. Time to obsess about Janet Jackson some more.

Ta

Wonderful beginnings or so I thought

2008-01-05T10:11:00.000-05:00

Today class starts. It is 1012 EST I have a Science class from 0800-1045. Guess where I'm at now? I'm at home. Why do you ask? Well I'm sick. I have a bad cold. No money for cold meds, or a throat lozenge, and I'll have to use TP to blow my nose. It's fine though. I actually took this class the last semester. My courses got dropped because Financial Aid did not come in enough time. So... I chose this particular class this time because all the dude is going to go over is the syllabus and then let you go. I will work on my labs next weekend after class. I do have a psych class later in the day. I'll be going to that one. I need to scrounge up some money so I can buy the food so that I can start to eat more healthily, and it least to get some sudafed in my system. Anyway my healthy eating starts Monday provided that I can find the money to buy the food. I'll try to work out a meal plan for the week today. I'll probably go walking in the parking lot after work, and then take my tired butt to class that day. Must go. Nose is dripping and I need to get ready for class.

Ciao

New Year for You and Me

2008-01-01T17:48:00.002-05:00

Okay you know that it's time to post something when you've forgotten the name of your blog. Sheesh. Happy New Years to the 2 people who actually read this blog. I hope that you had a wonderful celebration. Mine was pretty good. I celebrated it with my roommates and a co-worker from work. My New Years Resolution was to get tanked on New Years but that didn't happen. You see... I don't drink. Please no condolences. I just don't like the taste of alcohol. If it could taste more like Sprite, Apple Juice, or Kool-Aid then I'd love to have a few sips. Unfortunately it does not so I will stick to my baby beverages.

2008 is the year for changes for me. I'm going to lose weight. It will either start over this weekend or this upcoming Monday. I need to start planning my meals and snacks and I will start exercising as well. Also this week school begins. I've faxed over the appropriate paperwork so that I can get the loan money to begin school again. My goal is to finish before I turn 30. In fact if I finish by the time that I'm 29 that would be great. If I win the lottery and could retire that would be even better but I'm a realist. That shit only happens to people who worship satan and torture small animals as opposed to good girls like moi. Anyway the bigger question is did they receive the form and will they give me the money. I need it by next week. I think that I'm immune to doing things early or in a timely manner. I wasn't born with that trait. On top of attending classes in general, I'm going to try to do 3 this semester. I need to focus and this writer's strike has been a godsend since my weakness is television. The only thing on tv right now is utter crap aka reality tv shows. So I hope to focus this semester because in the words of Sgt. Roger Murtaugh from Lethal Weapon 1-4, "I'm to old for this shit." Also I need to study for my payroll certification. I have to take the test at work by the end of this month otherwise I will have about $60 coming out of my paycheck for 6 pay periods. Which is muy mal since I need my paycheck increased by $300 just to make ends meet. It looks like I'm going into some money soon. My brother's partner will be paying me back the money he owes me. I hope to get a tax refund this year as well. So things are looking up! I'm excited. Hopefully 2008 will be fantastic year for everybody. Okay I must go now. My room is a pig sty. I put those guys on Superbad to shame and I need to clean it up. I might just hire someone it is so ridiculous. If I'm feeling brave I will post a picture of it. But not now. I'm a big chicken.

Toodles

Crap-ola

2007-12-23T09:34:00.000-05:00

Ugh I'm sorry I have posted in a few days. Those last few days have been murder. My car is making a funny noise and it filled with smoke so that I can't drive it, the things that I need to do my job just completely broke down one day, I'm still shopping for Christmas presents for people who only want expensive shit, my cell phone bill is due tomorrow, and HBO has been taken off of our cable. Now I know the last one isn't some grand travesty but I like watching the movies on there. I love Big Love, and I like Tell Me You Love Me even though it's basically porn. It was taken off to save some money. How much money you ask? 12 fucking dollars. I can propose other ways for my brother to save much more money but I will keep quiet. The latest drama is that I feel I'm in some sort of competition with his partner. I also think that my brother caters to him to much. They both decorated the tree and it looked fine. It had white lights and ornaments on it. Then at the last minute red and blue lights were added. Also an egg shell and hard drive were put on it. The tree looks like bad taste threw up all over it. I know my mom will say something when she arrives. She is not capable of keeping things to herself. My brother works a second job to help pay off his partner's credit card debt. Now if I'm doing that my significant other will not be using not nan credit card. So what do I see on the bed after my brother first starts working his second job. An online purchase of Calvin Klein underwear paid with the AMEX. WTF? No one cares what kind of underwear you wear. Do they ask people on the red carpet, "Hey who are you wearing?" Celeb says, "I'm wearing Versace." Paparazzi says, "No I mean what underwear are you wearing?" I just need to find a new place to live. This is getting ridiculous.

Fare the well Virginia

2007-12-12T15:43:00.000-05:00

I'm at the airport. So if you see me say hello. I've left my Dad's place and I gave him a hug and a kiss. The only weird thing was that I was suppressing my emotions when I said goodbye that I only cried when I was out of his sight. I guess I didn't want him to see that at 26 years of age that I was still a big baby. He gave me a compliment but I wasn't sure why I deserved it. He said that I handled myself very well and that he was pleasantly surprised. All I did was do what I was ordered to do‚ and clean up. I did the things that I should have done while I was growing up but refused to do so. Anyway I will take the compliment. I'm a good girl. Now we have an interesting development. My best friends song‚ Janet Jackson‚ leaked onto the internet and
I'm stuck at the effing airport and I can't hear it!!!! Must go. Code Red! I will edit this blog when I get home. It always shows up crappy when I mobile blog.

Life=Someone's getting screwed...

2007-12-11T00:00:00.000-05:00

and it's not in the good way! Okay I have been busy resting and taking care of my Dad. Who knew that it took all of this work to keep someone elses life running fluidly? I thought that I would at least get to play. So I made plans with my best guy friend. It was all going to go down tomorrow. He was going to play hooky. I was going to leave early and get some much needed space and pleasure. We were IM'ing each other about the logistics and then he dropped the bomb on me. I knew that he was slightly experimental and I thought that he loved snatch. Well during his experimental tryst he did a Lewinksi... on a dude. Yuck. Now I'm not a homophobic and I know that sexuality is not black and white but come on?!? Even my gay brother says don't mess with a dude who has been with another dude. So I told him that was my line in the sand and I actually told him that at least a year ago. I just don't touch you after that. I'm sorry. So now that fell through. My other tryst that was supposed to occur on Thursday fell through. He had to have dinner with his boss and visit old friends or some shit like that. Whatev. Another friend told me that maybe I'm looking for a man in all the wrong places so I will look elsewhere. I'm about to pack it in and just become a lesbian.

Anyway tomorrow I will be taking my dad shopping. Only thing is that I kind of don't want to go shopping with him, (Who likes to be yelled at and scolded at the age of 26?) but secondly he's not supposed to be riding in any cars because of his surgery. So tomorrow will be an interesting day. I hope he forgets and he lets me go by myself. Here's to hoping.

Ta.

Time is of the essence

2007-12-06T07:28:00.000-05:00

Okay we are now coming upon Day 3 of being with my Dad. What an experience that has been. Yesterday he informed that he had to go into work for about an hour to finish up some things. Well... the only problem is that he is not allowed to ride in a car. I told him that but does he listen to me? Hell Naw! So we argue back and forth and I have to concede defeat. He will get into work with or without me. Now he said that he wanted to go into work at 4:30 so that he can get in and get out. He is so crazy it's scary. I get up at around 7:30am and I overhear him over the phone trying to make things happen so that he does not have to go into work. The reason being is because he has run out of pain medication and I know that can be a bitch. So now I am waiting to see what he is going to do. But I have the feeling I should go ahead and shower now and be prepared to run out of the house with him at any moment. Oh yeah one other thing. He told me to drop off his prescription yesterday and I forgot. When he asked me today I was in so much fear that I lied and said yes. So now I hope that he can do whatever he needs to do here and go and run and get his medication and no one will be the wiser. I hope to god there isn't a shortage on the medications that I need to refill.

I already know that I'm horrible.

Home Sweet Home?

2007-12-04T22:41:00.000-05:00

Okay I am here. I was away for a little bit because I needed to get stuff ready for my visit. I'm in NoVA(Northern Virginia) now. It's slightly weird being back here. People aren't as friendly and it's a little dirty. On the plus side it's close to DC and it's an international environment, which is what I grew up with. Also the people up here are sexual freaks! Who knew that being in a political hotbed made the sexual dynamo come out of people. Well... some people. I've had my fair share of duds.

I'm up here taking care of my Dad. He's had hip replacement surgery. I know that it's better for him to have it but I feel a little sad because he can't move as much and he's in pain. I know that it is inevitable for everyone but I HATE that my parent's are growing older. Anyway I'm here to help out in anyway that I can. It's weird because my Dad didn't want for me to come up here at all and now that I'm here he has had no problem putting me to work. I'm exhausted! With that I must go. I'm supposed to take my old man shopping tomorrow and for some weird reason he likes to get up at the crack of dawn. I don't. So tomorrow will be interesting.

I forgot to mention that I'm broke and I have 2 payments due on the 9th. That is going to be fun trying to come up with the money for that.

Also I might see someone while I'm here. I shall update later.

Prayer works!

2007-12-01T23:30:00.000-05:00

Okay I have been fretting all day and waiting for divine intervention about how I was going to pay for this flight to see my dad. I had been procrastinating and procrastinating because that is what I'm good at. My mom called. Well long story short mom just up and booked the flight for me right then and there. So big ups to mom. God is a woman! I feel horrible having to rely on her at 26 years of age. It's pathetic. I will make a New Years Resolution to become more financially fit. I'm a little perturbed that my brother isn't going. My dad did not want for me to go in the first place but that would just be horrible for my dad to be all alone while he recuperated from major surgery. My stupid brother is like everything will be okay. That is okay. I will let him live in stupid land while I still remain the most loved child. Kudos to me.

I forgot to update something. I'm not doing the threesome. That is just to weird. I've been celibate for a year and half now and I think it should be baby steps not any damn sprinting. Right now I'm waiting for Mister or Miss right. That is a whole other story for me to get into at a later date.

Toodles.

La Dolce Vita?

2007-11-30T23:26:00.000-05:00

Hello, hello. Today was a good day. I had minimal work to do which is a plus. I think I'm getting a big head at work. Actually I know I am. I've been there the 3rd longest and we have a bunch of new hires. It feels so great when I'm asked a question and I can answer them. The newbies are like my children. I just want to mentor them appropriately and raise them right. I think we have a few Brit-Brits in my group. I sure hope they get fired. Oh. Did I say that? I mean promoted to another department for a better earning opportunity. Yeah that's what I meant. Anyway. I talked to my roomy who is also my brother's partner. I have better insight into how he operates. I approach him with kid gloves. He shuts down and then becomes angry enough to throw things. Then I talk to my brother so that he can act as a go between and messenger on what the actual problem is. We have a group discussion where my brother mediates two introverts attempting to get whatever is bothering them off their chest. After 10 minutes of non-accusatory and non-confrontational probing my brothers partner relents and then I get some insight as to what is bothering him. We talk and process what we've said and then make jokes. It's weird but somehow it works. I just wish it could be more direct and less lengthy but whatever. I'm just rolling with the punches. Bottom line is that he knows that he owes me but as to when I'll get paid... I have no clue. So I'm going to do whatever I have to do make ends meet.

My dad is doing great. The doctors wanted to release him from the hospital today. I guess the hospital is short on cash and they need to make room for new patients. Where's there are patients, there's money! Good grief. He just had his hips replaced. That's the equivalent of moving into your new apartment and getting an eviction notice the next day. Oy. Damn doctors. I'm still working on the transportation thing. I will make a one tomorrow.

I'm also going to take steps to better my life. I'm going to sign up for that Oprah Million Viewer Challenge

http://www.thebestlife.com/ms/mvchallenge/index.html?cm_mmc=Oprah-_-BG-_-WLC2008-_-join&keycode=W10002.

(Can you say photoshop? Oprah couldn't even take a picture WITH Bob?)

It's time for a change. I was going to sign up for tonight but then I remembered that I had a packet mix for oatmeal cookies. I want to eat those first before I better myself in anyway. Hey I never did say that I was smart in this blog now did I? Anyway I'm going to do some things that are out of my comfort zone. I'm not ready to give up on school. I will call those bastards at the university and see what is taking so long for them to give me Financial Aid. Also my co-worker is scaling back on her hours so I will receive hers come January. I'm going to take 3 courses for school instead of 2. I think I'll be nucking futs and shoot for 4. We'll see. I'm just upping the ante right now. I'm going to join a group or two that's oriented with film. Women in Film and Television Atlanta http://www.wifta.org/. Which is a chapter of Women in Film and Television International http://www.wifti.org/index.cfm The other group that I'm thinking about joining is National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences-Southeast Chapter http://www.natassoutheast.tv/. They are in charge of the Emmy's. I wish that they had a Film Society down here. Basically all they have are groups for whores like me to go to a free movie screening from time to time. Okay I'm knackered. I'm going to go and ignore the filth that I need to clean and watch "Junebug." I'll also be fiddling on my phone and try to brainstorm new posts to ad to this blog. Some of my posts are utterly depressing! Let me go pop some Xanax and get happy. :-)

Kidding.
Ta.

Serenity now

2007-11-29T23:29:00.001-05:00

Today was a good day at work. I could actually call it my day of rest. Then I came home. I'm going up north to see my Padre. He just had surgery and I want to make sure that he's okay. I'm trying to find a cheap semi-last minute fare so I won't have to go on Amtrak. I can't find one but I will try again tomorrow. That's not the crappy part of my day. My roommate owes me $900. He thinks that he owes me $300. I got a copy of the check that I wrote and addressed him in a non-confrontational way. I didn't ask for the money I just said that I was checking in with him and I supplied him with a copy of the cancelled check. Twenty minutes later I hear a series of loud thuds. So I stopped looking at the internet porn and went out into the hallway and asked what was going on. Well my roomy said don't worry about it. Then he proceeded to throw things down the stairs. One item just happened to be a piece of glass. Now I don't know about you but certainly YOU don't throw things all willy nilly and you especially don't throw glass. No my roomy is not 12. He will be 41 next month! I thought temper tantrums ended when you were child but apparently I've been mistaken. That's my vent for today. I am blogging from my cell. So my apologies. I will reformat this listing when I get up in the morning.

TTFN

Everything is better when you do it in bed

2007-11-27T23:31:00.000-05:00

Okay I am blogging from my bed via my sidekick. My brother is monopolizing my computer but also I'm pretty lazy. Blogging while I watch Law & Order SVU is fun. Benson and Stabler just need to get it over with and bump uglies. Today was a very hectic day and tomorrow will actually be worse. I really need to find a job where I don't service spoiled clients. They really get on my bleeping nerves sometimes. So now seems like an appropriate time to examine my career path. I need to study for my certification. I have to take the test at work before February and I really want to study and take the test at the end of December. I'm going to join a few organizations that are geared towards film. I hope I can network and get a job in that field very
soon. Very‚ very soon. Right now I'm thinking I should go to school full-time so I can fulfill my dream of being a college grad but also of moving overseas. Maybe I can get a job overseas and finish my degree there. Who knows. Anyway I have a lot of stuff to think about and to do. Next week I go on vacation. I'm really worried because my dad will have surgery on Thursday and he will have to recuperate on his own. So I have tons on my mind right now. But I will take things on at a time. Time for me to go. I need to be absolutely well rested for my big day
tomorrow.

Ciao.

Late night blogging from a crazy mind

2007-11-25T01:23:00.000-05:00

I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving Weekend. Mine was okay. I guess I need to get used to Thanksgiving being totally different from our family celebrations from when I was younger. My brother invited a bunch of his friends over... We ate, we drank, and we were merry. My parents will be here for Christmas. I want to do the menu for that, which is most of the time very similar to the Thanksgiving menu. My holiday was just okay because when someone invites you over for dinner you need to at least offer to help clean up. Did that happen? Nooooooo way. Can you imagine cleaning up after 12 people for Thanksgiving? I was so mad that I actually sliced my thumb open with the sharp edge on the foil. It of course wasn't intentional. Next time guests get invited over I will not be here so I will not have to clean up after my brother's deadbeat, food grubbing friends. Asided from that it was fun. There were two boys here and they were so active. Actually they are active period but they were like crack addict active when they had Cokes in their system. Their sister had a new iPod touch so I'm in love with it. I definitely want one! I would put it on my Xmas list but I think that I couldn't ask for anything else from my parents... erm I mean Santa. I saw these Bose earphones. They received 5 stars out of 5 on the apple.com website. I would love to have them. They are really inexpensive too. Only $99.99. I lost my other pair the other day. I will have to wait till I'm filthy rich to get the Bose earphones. Till then I'll have plenty of practice on how to NOT lose anymore earphones. Time for me to go. Project Runway is on and then after that it's time to do the bed dance. No it's not what you're thinking you filthy bitch. I basically listen to someone fierce on my iPod and pretend I'm the artist in the music video. I sing, think of what dance moves would be good for my pretend video. I do all of this until I get disgusted with what a total loser I am and then go to sleep.

Ciao.

What the hell am I doing up so early?

2007-11-21T07:03:00.000-05:00

Okay I'm just blogging before I have to hop in the shower and get ready for work. Hitman was pretty good. I was a little anxious because I couldn't find any reviews about the movie online before the screening. I invited all of my roommates and they liked the movie very much. I just checked the reviews today and I swear Ebert is on some love juice because he gave all the movies he reviewed this week 3 stars or 3 and a half stars with the exception of "The Mist." I think that Frank Darabount has lost his touch. Anyway if you like action movies or movies based on video games you should definitely see Hitman. My brother's partner still hasn't addressed the money issue. I'm really tempted to take that iPod and sell it on eBay. I think I will have to get a copy of the cancelled checks to show him that he still owes me money. Oy. Okay better scoot. The roads are clear right now, but historically Atlanta has the worst traffic on the day before Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Halloween. I do not want to be stuck in that mess today. So I will attempt to be a diligent worker and do my job efficiently today so I can get the hell out of dodge! Ciao.

Oy Vey

2007-11-19T23:11:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling a bit perturbed today. I was upstairs in my room and I was thinking..."Boy I sure is hungry." So I went downstairs and I saw an iPod lying by the couch. My brother and his partner was downstairs so I decided to interrogate my brother. I asked who bought it, how much did it cost, etc... My brother was evasive but eventually he answered the question. He said that he had bought it and he didn't know how much it had cost because he said that he handed his credit card to the cashier. Well I was little ticked because I had actually got an iPod for free and I was going to give it to him for Xmas. But whatever. So I offer to help him install it and download songs. He declined. Then he said that he was just joking and that his partner had bought it for himself. Well after I let it fester in my warped feminine brain that just really pissed me off. So when my brother's partner went upstairs I tore my brother a new one because he was there when I talked to his partner about how much money he owed me. I was just perplexed as to why my brother didn't say anything or stand up for me. He knew that I had sold a lot of my DVD's to make ends meet and that I was short on cash. He's working a second job to pay for his partner's debt and his partner is using his leftover money to buy a damn mp3 player. He should have opened up an account at the bank like I did and got mine for free but whatever. ALSO he got a notice in the mail from the bank for overdrawing on his account. WTF is he using that money to buy a damn music player?!? After our 'discussion' I just told my brother that I was done and went upstairs to pigsty to stew. Then my brother wanted for me to talk. Well I couldn't because I was so livid. How would you feel if a couple of hundred dollars would help you keep the bill collectors at bay and help you get on your feet so that you don't have to resort to ludicrous schemes to make extra cash. The person who can repay you the money that you lent in their time of need is spending on frivolous shit like a new Mercedes, or an iPod. It's just beyond stupid. To make matters worse my brother told me that his partner only thought that he owed me $900. Well that's not true. I took $600 off my AMEX to help him out and I took $300 from my tax refund before I got a chance to use it. That equals $900 not $300. Besides if you owe people you shouldn't be buying yourself a Christmas present for yourself. That's just stupid. Please let me only talk to and encounter smart people tomorrow. If I get any other examples of glaring idiocy I might lose it. I'm also going to a movie screening with all the roommates in the house. It will take me every inch of my being not to club my brother's partner to death with my cinnamon pretzel.

Life Sucks

2007-11-15T00:08:00.000-05:00

I thought I was coming up with a nifty way to make some extra money to help make ends meet. I opened up a checking account with Chase. You get $75 if you open it and keep it open for 6 months. Well I had a balance of $100, I withdrew $99 of it to pay my Mastercard bill. Well I go to log into the Chase website to schedule a credit card payment. Do you know that they charged me $22.95 for checking supplies?!? What Bank charges for checking supplies? Are you shitting me? Whatever legal team made up this shit is hitting the crack pipe hard.

I went to go see Love in the Time of Cholera. The movie was interesting. It's about a guy whom falls in love with a girl when he first sees her. Her father doesn't want her to marry him so he marries her off to some other hot dude that has more money. The guy pining away for her decides to dull his pain by becoming a male whore. He's so in love with the girl that he cries at the drop of a hat. Now Javier Bardem, who plays the love sick gentleman is a good actor. It is just so hard for me to see a guy cry like a baby over some girl. I personally think that men don't have feelings and all they want to do is get into your pants anyway. I hope some day one guy will prove me wrong but till then. I guess I will have to be a lesbian.

Time for me to go or I'll turn into a pumpkin.

When life hands you lemons...

2007-11-12T23:54:00.000-05:00

Make sure you get a gift receipt along with that. Nothing says I love you like store credit!

Okay I'm blogging before I hit the hay. I'll have to type fast because I still have to finish addressing the rest of my DVD's. I hope to drop them in the mail before work. I have to get up early because I need to be at the post office before it opens. Unfortunately I'm not the only one with that original idea so I know it'll probably be crowded. Next time I won't be so lazy and I'll fish that postal scale out of the closet and ship it from home and be done with it.

Anyway I have some wonderful news. I'm in love. He's a star. His name is Javier Bardem and he is muy caliente. He's dating Penelope Cruz right now but that is really a minor setback. She's average really. He's just going out with her for publicity but I know that his heart lies with me. I might as well pack my shit now and move to Italy or Spain because I need an intense Latin Man in my life. I'm going to see Javier Bardem and Benjamin Bratt in Love in the Time of Cholera tomorrow night. I can't WAIT!. I'm so damn giddy that I might actually get the book and read it. Tell then....

Te amo mi amor!

Sex in the suburbs?

2007-11-11T13:16:00.000-05:00

Today is a dreamer day, but I should be working. My brother is having company over today. He knew about this earlier but of course he decided to tell me a few hours before they arrive. How sweet. I explained the logic of him informing everyone in the household of companies arrival in a timely manner but that apparently went over his head. I was nice and I straightened up while watching Under the Tuscan Sun. HUGE mistake. Now I want to go to Italy! Me and my schizophrenic mind. I guess Georgia is wearing on me. I really don't understand why Southerners say, "Do What," when they didn't hear what you said. Apparently, "Excuse me what did you say," has to many words. Here are my upcoming plans for the upcoming weeks. Next month I will be going to Virginia and my dad is having hip replacement surgery. He does not want me up there because he said that he can take care of himself, but if there's one thing he hasn't learned about me is one thing... I never listen to my parents. So I will be heading up there. Also I have a friend that lives up there and I was propositioned for a ménage à trois. If there's one thing you need to know about me...I've been celibate for over a year and half, and I'm a prude. If I wanted to get my feet a little wet, a ménage à trois is basically scuba diving in the Pacific Ocean. No not Scuba diving. It's Scuba diving and living in the city of Atlantis for a few decades. It is an interesting fantasy and I need to get out of my comfort zone but I thought I could do that by trying ethnic foods. I shall keep you posted.

Au Revoir

Make money by doing nothing

2007-11-10T13:25:00.000-05:00

Everyone is clamoring as to how they can make money and do nothing. It's easy. Stay at home and watch tv all day. Don't go out and eat. Forget about going to the movies. Put the kibosh on shopping. The low balance in your bank account remains the same. However, its a balance that was not depleted and you have less days to wait until payday. I'm a genius though. I had zero money to pay on my Mastercard. My available credit was $125 and my payment due was $119. So what I did was I took a cash advance of $120 and paid my credit card with it. I still have available credit but at least it says that I paid on time! I'm proud because I have not used it all week. I sold a few of my items on eBay. I set the wrong price. Starting price was .99 and people would wait to bid on it like 5 min before auction close. I was hoping to get at least $5.00 for them. Greedy bastards. I think I should put some poo in with their DVD. I'm happy because I can at least pay for my Amex card. Student loan will have to wait till Thursday. I hate being broke and in debt. My brother said that he thought I should go full time. I feel if I do that I won't finish my schooling. My self-confidence is in the crapper about me directing film. I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm going to see approximately how many credits I need to graduate because I'm getting to old for this. To old for this uncertainty and fretting how I'm going to pay my bills. I never thought I would reach the day when I had to duck the pharmacy because I owed them a balance. Did I forget to tell you that I have to come up with $500 to get the car fixed before my dad comes to visit next month? To get out of sticky situations with my parents I normally play dumb. The next time I see them will be an Oscar Winning performance. Move over Meryl Streep! I need a sugar daddy. If you are one or want to donate to my charity...Moi then let me know! I'm also looking for a boyfriend or at least a date. I got a pass to see 3 movies, Love in the Time of Cholera, Hitman, and This Christmas. I have no one to go with! Well I could ask my brother and his partner but that is getting old. I feel like the crazy person that you see outside and you were just friendly to them once and can't take a subtle hint and you'd rather run through hell wearing a gasoline g-string than talk to them again.

It's getting late...

2007-11-06T00:28:00.000-05:00

It's late but I thought I'd do un poco blogging. I'm basically trying to fill it up. I don't want to look like *gasp* a newbie. I think I found a money making opportunity. I just have to write well and get on the damn ball and start writing some samples. It's reviewing movies for a local newspaper in the area. I love movies. I'm just concerned about my writing skills. I tuned out during English class when I was in grade school. My thinking was, 'Well I already speak English so why do I need to learn more of it in class?' Just thought I'd point that out in case you spotted some grammatical errors in my blog. Now you know why. Some of my DVD's are selling really well. Some of my auctions end in a day or two. Some people are just waiting to get the DVD's at just 99 cents. That is so not going to happen. I wish I could fake bid under my own nick. I need to make at least $5 off each DVD. I'm not to excited about work. We have a lot of new hires in my department and they are driving me nuts. Some of the questions asked are just dumb shit that they can look up in their training book. That's a pet peeve of mine, 1) ask me a question that you should know the answer to already, and 2) ask me a question when the answer lies in a book on your desk. I just have to make it through Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday and then I'll be home free from there. UGH. Time for bed. Otherwise I'll be an absolute beast in the morning.

Merde

2007-11-04T10:52:00.000-05:00

In case you don't know that means shit in French. It has hit the fan. I'm in a financial dilemma. Once I pay rent which I'm overdue with that as well, I will have zero money. None. Nil. Zip. I don't think I'll have enough money to pay for gas to get to work. Payday was last Friday and I have to wait till the Friday after next to get some more money. The irony in the situation is that I owe $355 for rent which goes to my brother's partner. Well he actually owes ME $900. I have to pay him rent because the mortgage check will bounce. He sent that off on the day that it was due without having the money to cover it. I'm selling my new DVD's on eBay to try to help out as well. I guess I could sell my body but I don't think that I'll get much for that. Also I'm not willing to do a whole lot of sexual things so maybe I need to find another point of attack. Here is a link to my ebay items. Please bid on something! I need the money. If you want to send me money too I won't turn it down. http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQfgtpZ1QQfrppZ25QQsassZgilly001

Big Dreams

2007-10-29T07:02:00.000-04:00

Okay so here's my blog. I'm going to try it for a second time and hopefully I can get it right. I've titled it 'Containment of my Crazy Mind' because I am nutty, eccentric, or whatever choice word you want to use. Right now I'm in a dreamer point in my life. I want to work in film, I want to lose weight, I'd like to be in love, hell I would just love to have a date. It's been about 4 years since I've had one. The one dream that I've had on my mind the most is that I'd like to live in Europe. Right now I've been thinking about Paris. I've been watching a lot of foreign films because films are always accurate about real life's portrayal. I've lived in Europe before, specifically Germany and I've visited the UK, Spain, Italy, France, Belgium, and Holland when I was younger. I guess that I'm not feeling living in the US. I've been here since 1999 so you would have thought that I would have adjusted by now. Here are my other dilemmas about moving to Europe.
1) I only know a few phrases in a few languages. I am no where near being fluent in any European language. I still have issues with English.
2) I have no skill set. Well I'm good at watching tv and sleeping, but I don't have a degree.
I've been working on my degree on and off since 1999 actually. Oy. So my goal was to try to learn French in a year. Apply for a government job overseas and the live it up in Gay Paris. I'm not sure if I want to do an expatriate type of thing. I would apply within my company but they don't have an vacancies listed, I'm sure that I would have to learn French. I'm even willing to apply for a government job in the UK. That way I don't need to learn another language and I have to get used to driving on the left side of the road again. My goal right now is to finish my schooling. That's going to take quite awhile. So I will explore more later. I guess the decision of the day is to get my degree now and then move over there or get as many credits under my belt and satisfy this wanton need of living back in my homeland post haste? Ugh time to get ready for work. Work is so good with paying you money but it ruins your time to dream.